


Shades of Courage

by Subtly Spectre (fishstic)



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I just honestly really hope that Jack isn't ooc here, I've been working on this for like 2 weeks, drug mention, idek, idk - Freeform, instead I'll just consider it part 1, it's supposed to be longer, or maybe it's done, this is probably only slightly out of the realm of possiblity for Earthborn Shep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 04:57:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10655391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishstic/pseuds/Subtly%20Spectre
Summary: Erin Shepard liked four things in life: people not knowing how she feels on a regular basis, food, her hamster, and Jack. After things went a little badly on a mission, she locked herself in her room expecting that everyone would just ignore her. But if there's one thing Jack is good at, it's the unexpected. Erin doesn't want to talk, but for the person she's crushing on she might just make an exception.





	Shades of Courage

**Author's Note:**

> I should probably stop writing fics just because I have dreams of them. But it led to this, and it led to a couple of my dragon age fics, and some of my wicked fics, so it can't be all that bad of a thing to do.

The laughter was the worst part if you asked Commander Erin Shepard about what happened to her that day. She’d tell you that it was worse that the mercenary was  _ laughing _ about the fact that he’d pinned her to the ground than the feeling of a man twice her size pressing his knee into the small of her back with a gun to her head. She’d tell you that his laughter was grating and raspy, worse than the sounds that she’d heard when the Normandy was destroyed; that his breath stunk like moldy onions, cheap booze, and even cheaper cigars; that she was fine. It was all a lie, but  _ that _ she’d never tell you.

“Shepard, I—” Jack began as she walked into Commander Shepard’s quarters on the Normandy after they’d gotten back from the mission, but she was cut off when Erin held up her hand.

“I’m fine, Jack. Don’t worry about me,” Erin said.

Jack bit her lip then shook her head. “That, that wasn’t fine, Shepard. You might be able to lie to all the others and have them believe you. But don’t fucking lie to me it won’t work. I  _ saw _ you. You were  _ crying _ . Don’t sit there and tell me that was fine. There’s nothing fucking fine about that.”

Erin hadn’t looked at Jack, she could see Jack just fine in the reflection on the glass of her model ship display case. There had to be a line somewhere. A line she couldn’t cross. Jack was her friend, but that was all she was. There were things no one knew, things no one needed to know. She couldn’t risk it… but then, she’d helped Jack so much, through so much. Was it really bad to assume Jack might want to help her in return?

“Shepard, if you won’t talk to me about it, at least answer one question. Why do you pretend like nothing you’ve been through has hurt you?”

“Because compared to what other people have been through, my pain and my troubles are nothing,” Erin replied without even thinking. She immediately regretted it however, because she didn’t want people to know that about her.

“Shepard you  _ literally died _ . That’s not nothing, and neither is whatever happened to you in the past that made you cry to remember when that merc pinned you to the ground before I shot him.”

“You don’t understand,” Erin said. She regretted every word that she was saying in this conversation. Every single one. But she couldn’t force herself not to talk, she didn’t want Jack to think she was ignoring her or mad at her or anything like that, though she probably did.

“Then help me understand,” Jack replied. “Something happened to you in the past. Something bad, right? You were a child, a teen, a young woman. You didn’t ask for whatever it was, but it happened. It made you angry—”

“No, it didn’t,” Erin interrupted, “and  _ that _ is the problem. That’s why none of it matters, that’s why none of it is important. That’s why I’m fine, why it didn’t hurt me. Why all of it is nothing. If it was something, if it had hurt me, I would be angry about it. I’d hate the people who did it to me. But I’m not and I don’t, so it must not have been all that bad.”

Jack blinked. “That’s not how it works.”

“How would you know? The things that hurt you made you angry.” Erin stood up and walked over to Jack. “I don’t want to make you angry. I don’t want you to be upset with me. I  _ care _ about you. Jack, I think of you as my friend. I’m sorry.” Then she turned around and started to walk over to her bed, but Jack reached out and took her hand for a second to stop her.

“You’re scared,” Jack pointed out. “I lied for you, just so you know. Told Miranda to fuck off and that the tears in your eyes after that happened on the mission was because you got dust in them when you hit the floor.”

“Why?” Erin asked. “I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“You didn’t have to,” Jack said. “You stood up for me. You listened to me. You let me blow the place that I grew up off the freaking map. That meant a lot to me. And this? This means a lot to you, even if you don’t realize it. I’m not going to let Miranda talk you into telling her things you obviously don’t want her to know. I ain’t gonna force you to talk about it either.”

Erin stood there for a moment in silence just trying to figure out what Jack was doing. Then she turned around and said, “Then why are you here?”

“Because whether you say it or not, you want someone to be here,” Jack replied.

“How do you know? Maybe I want to be alone,” Erin said, though it was obvious from her voice that Jack had said something true.

“You would have told EDI that you don’t want to be disturbed,” Jack said. “Like you always do.”

Erin nodded slightly, then sighed and said simply, “You want to be here?”

“I don’t do things I don’t want to do,” Jack replied. She motioned toward Erin’s bed. “Look, I’ll stay with you however long it takes for you to feel safe.”

Erin nodded slightly and, without thinking, said, “You don’t have to do that, but I’m glad that you want to. It’s always been easier to just ignore everything that hurts, especially since none of it made me angry. It’ll be nice to… I don’t know, actually, but it’s nice that you’re here. Sometimes being alone is wrong.”

“What were you working on when I walked in?” Jack asked.

Erin blinked. Did it really matter, or was Jack just wanting her to talk so that it wouldn’t be so quiet in the room? “A letter.”

“To who?”Jack asked. “I mean you don’t gotta tell me, but at least I asked instead of just reading it without your permission like Miranda would do.”

“Liara,” Erin replied. “She… I was hoping she could get something for me.”

“Something secret?”

“No, just something hard to find.”

“What is it?”

“I want the name of the person who brought me to the Alliance. I…” Erin looked down for a second then walked back over to her desk to save the draft of the letter that she’d been working on. She had no doubts that Liara already knew about it now that she was the Shadow Broker, but still, formally asking her for help made it less weird. “I want to know what they know about my childhood; I don’t remember much of it at all, but… after what happened today, I think I need to.”

“What do you remember?” Jack asked walking over and leaning against the desk.

“Not much, like I said,” Erin replied. “I was a merc when I was young. That I remember. I don’t think I wanted to be though. I remember wanting to be a doctor, or a field medic. I remember… before fights they’d give me stuff. I have no idea what it was and I can barely remember anything from any of the things that happened after I took the things they gave me.”

“You think the mercs you ran with, drugged you?” Jack asked.

Erin could see that that thought really upset Jack, but she herself didn’t know how to feel about it. “I don’t honestly know. Whatever they did to me, it kept me alive. I don’t think I could have survived without the mercs taking care of me.”

“Do you remember anything else?”

“I remember getting hurt a lot, having to fix myself because no one else would do it for me. Stealing medigel, I remember. Fighting. I remember… being on the ground, or on dirty mattresses. I remember hands… I don’t… I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to know. I  _ need _ to know.”

“And you think none of that hurt you?”

Erin bit her lip and sank down onto the chair at her desk. “I’m not angry at the mercs who raised me. They did bad things, but I have done bad things too. I wouldn’t be alive without them.”

“Are you angry at Cerberus?”

“Absolutely. Cerberus has done deplorable things, experimented on people. Hurt people who had no choice in the matter. Cerberus tortured you, and tons of other children. They killed a man that I admired, Admiral Kahoku. Of course I’m angry at Cerberus.”

“You’re angry at Cerberus for the things they’ve done to other people, but you’re not angry at the mercs who drugged you and forced you to fight as a child and did who knows what else to you?”

Erin looked down and for just a second she actually considered the implications of the way Jack had worded it.  _ Do I care more about other people than I do myself? _ She opened her mouth to reply then closed it. She wasn’t angry at anyone who hurt her. It had never bothered her before to think about it, but now it did, because Jack… because she trusted Jack and the way Jack was saying it… something was wrong.

“Erin,” Jack said. “Listen to me. It’s okay, I get it. You’re not an angry person, you don’t hold grudges. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“There  _ is _ something wrong though, I don’t know what it is—” her statement was interrupted by a yawn and she nearly growled in frustration. Now was not the time to be tired. She could feel it deep inside her. Cold fear, like someone had frozen her stomach solid. A slight tightness in her chest. If she tried to sleep now, she’d either cry, or have a nightmare—or both.

“If you want to sleep, that’s a thing we could do,” Jack said.

“We?” Erin asked. “You and me, sleep, together?”

“Alright, don’t say it like that. I don’t mean sex. I mean sleeping,” Jack said.

“I… know, I think. You… you would stay?” Erin asked quietly. Her head hurt slightly, right at the base of the neck where the gun had been pressed against it.

“I would, if you want,” Jack said. “Your bed is big enough for two people.”

“Why would you stay? We’re not…”

“Believe it or not, Erin, but I think of you as a friend. Just don’t expect me to say that more than once.”

Erin bit her lip and then looked up at Jack hoping that she was just imagining that she might already be crying again. “You care…”

“I do,” Jack replied. “Look, I’m not going to pretend like I understand what’s happening to you. I’m not an expert on pain or trauma or anything like that. But I  _ do  _ feel things. I feel like you need me. You need someone who maybe at least understands that the past isn’t just something you can write off as gone. It affects us, sometimes in ways we don’t understand. Sometimes in ways we don’t like, right? It makes me furious. It seems to make you  _ cry _ . I won’t pretend I understand crying. I  _ do _ understand returning favors though. You helped me, I help you. It’s fair. Perhaps it might be more than fair, you can still help me, but don’t tell anyone I said that.”

“Jack,” Erin said quietly.

“Yes?”

“I don’t want to make things weird, but… do you like me?”

Jack raised a brow slightly. “I said I think of you as a friend.”

Erin nodded. Of course. A friend. She couldn’t explain to Jack why that disappointed her, without making things weird.  _ How do you tell a probably straight woman that you have a crush on her? You don’t. But then, if you don’t tell someone you have a crush on them, how would you ever end up with a girlfriend? _

Jack smiled slightly, which confused Erin completely until she said, “I think you want to be more than my friend. Sorry, Shepard, but we can’t. Nothing against you, but we haven’t known each other very long and I don’t want you to eventually realize you don’t like me the way you think you like me. Besides, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You wouldn’t hurt me,” Erin said.

“I like that you have that kind of confidence in me, but the fact is you don’t know that to be true and neither do I. I can’t risk it. You’re the only friend I’ve ever had,” Jack replied.

“What makes you so sure that being more than friends would make you more likely to hurt me?” Erin asked.  _ Shut up Erin before you end up chasing her away because you don’t know when to stop. _

“You think that being more than friends wouldn’t change how we interact?” Jack asked.

“It wouldn’t have to,” Erin said. “We’d talk more, sure. And maybe… maybe you’d kiss me at some point. But it wouldn’t have to change anything. If your girlfriend… or boyfriend if boys are your thing… isn’t your best friend, then you’re doing it wrong.”

“You sound extremely confident of that,” Jack pointed out. “What would the others say though? You know they don’t trust me, and honestly I’m not sure if you should either.”

Erin looked down then. She took a deep breath and then said with as much confidence as she could muster, “I don’t care if the others trust you. _ I _ trust you. The others don’t have to trust you, and frankly our personal lives are none of their fucking business.”

“Hell yeah,” Jack said, which shocked Erin. “God I never thought I’d actually hear you say ‘fucking’.”

Erin blinked in confusion. “Is my speech that clean?”

“Usually, you sound like a little child sometimes,” Jack said. “Or a goody two-shoes.”

Erin looked like she’d just been slapped. “I’m supposed to be intimidating.”

“Garrus called you ‘a paragon of humanity’, just for the record. Paragon doesn’t sound intimidating to me,” Jack said. “Though when you pistol whipped that asshole who tortured his autistic brother in the name of ‘science’, that was pretty awesome. You should have killed him though.”

“Oh trust me, if he ever comes near me or his brother again, I will,” Erin said fiercely.

“That mission really affected you, didn’t it?” Jack said.

“I can’t stand when people hurt people who can’t fight back,” Erin said. “And… maybe I have a soft spot for people like David.”

“You’re procrastinating sleeping,” Jack said.

“You’re enabling me,” Erin replied.

“Do you want to do something?” Jack asked.

“Like?” Erin was certainly interested in what Jack had in mind, since that certainly didn’t have the tone of  _ that _ kind of proposition.

“Maybe we could prank Miranda.”

Erin tapped her fingers against her leg for a second while she considered what would be the best way to prank Miranda. “We could fill her pillow with jelly.”

“Lame,” Jack said in a perfect impression of a 12-year-old child.

“You have a better idea?” Erin asked with a slight chuckle.

Jack grinned. “I say we fill her bed with ants. They’ll crawl around and bite her and get in her ears. It’ll be awesome.”

“Where are we going to get ants?” Erin asked. “It’s not like ants regularly invade starships.”

“Where were you planning on getting jelly?” Jack countered. “It’s not like the cook regularly has enough jelly to fill pillows.”

“Wait!” Erin bounced up excitedly. “Confetti. Or glitter! Or both! Delivered straight to her office.”

“Glitter?” Jack asked as though that didn’t sound at all terrible or irritating to her.

Erin nodded. “Glitter. All over everything. Glitter and confetti all over Ms. Perfection’s stuff. It’ll drive her nuts.”

Jack grinned. “You are really good at selling people on ideas, you know that?”

“Wouldn’t have gotten as far as I have if I wasn’t,” Erin replied.

Jack smiled slightly. “Yes, but you’re not actually going to do this.”

Erin looked down for a second. “What makes you so sure?”

“You actually like Miranda. I don’t see why, but I’m not going to tell you who to be friends with. Still, you don’t actually want to piss her off,” Jack said. “Maybe we could do something else? Like… I don’t know, you got any games?”

“I mostly just have my fish and my hamster,” Erin replied. “I wish I had some games.”

“Well, with nothing to do that you’re actually willing to do, I suggest we sleep.”

Erin sighed slightly. “That is the absolute last thing I want to do.”

“You’re exhausted,” Jack pointed out.

Erin shook her head and replied with a yawn, “I’m not tired at all.”

“You’re shit at lying,” Jack said. “Look, I’ll stay with you. We can even sleep in the same bed. Whatever you’re scared of, I’ll be here to kick its ass.”

Erin nodded slightly and stood up. “Thank you, Jack. That means a lot to me.” As she walked toward her bed she paused and said quietly, “I won’t tell anyone that you actually feel things other than anger.”

“Just go put on your pajamas,” Jack said. “I’ll be over here, trying to figure out how your hamster keeps itself occupied and very distinctly not watching you.”

Erin chuckled. “Sympathetic, sarcastic,  _ and _ modest, whatever would the rest of the crew think?”

“That you’re describing someone else,” Jack replied.

Erin chuckled and quickly changed into her pajamas, or at least one pair of her pajamas. These were simple, solid color pants and a tank top. “Whenever you want to sleep,” she said as she sat down on the bed after she was dressed. “I’m here, willing to try.”

Jack nodded at the hamster then walked over to Erin. “I want you to remember two things before we sleep,” she said. “One: I meant what I said about kicking whatever you’re scared of’s ass. And two: if you promise not to tell anyone else that I’m capable of being sympathetic, I promise not to tell anyone about the things you’ve told me here tonight.”

“Deal,” Erin replied as she laid down and Jack proceeded to do the same while pulling the covers over them. “EDI, turn off the lights please?”

“Of course, Shepard. Logging you out.”


End file.
